


if it's really me you seek

by knoxoursavior



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Wings, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-14 14:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16914891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knoxoursavior/pseuds/knoxoursavior
Summary: Yuri is three when his Mama sits him down and tells him why they have wings that no one else can see.





	if it's really me you seek

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Val_Creative](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Val_Creative/gifts).



> i wrote this for [nooowestayandgetcaught](http://nooowestayandgetcaught.tumblr.com) for the yuri on ice secret santa event and it didnt turn out exactly the way i intended but i still kinda like it? i hope you like it!!!

Yuri is three when his Mama sits him down and tells him why they have wings that no one else can see.

  
  


Before tucking him in at night, Mama tells him a story. It’s always about a girl who can fly. She lives in the countryside with all of her fairy friends, and everyday, they go on a brand new adventure. But today, Mama tells him about the time the girl finds a boy in the woods.

“Her mother taught her to always be careful of strangers, but the boy was lost, and he seemed very nice, so she decided to help him anyway,” Mama says.

Yuri stares up at her, wide-eyed, captivated like he always is.

“What happened?” he asks, and he watches as Mama’s lips curl upwards in a smile.

She tucks his hair behind his ear and says, “It turned out that he was  _ so  _ nice, she decided to stay with him.”

Yuri’s eyebrows furrow.

“But what about her mother? And her fairy friends? Did she leave them?”

“Well, she did, but she made new friends, and she found a new family,” Mama says. “She got married to the boy and they had a baby together and she loved them both very much.”

“Just like you love me, Mama?”

Mama bends down to press a kiss onto Yuri’s temple.

“Yes, Yurochka, exactly how I love you,” Mama says. “You know why, my love? Because you are that baby, and I am that girl.”

Yuri’s breath catches and mouth drops open. “Does that mean we’re  _ fairies _ , Mama?”

Mama’s smile widens. “Yes. That’s why we have wings, because we’re fairies who can fly.”

“Teach me how to fly, Mama!”

Yuri squirms, excited at the thought of it. He’s tried to, before, but even when he jumped as high as he could, he couldn’t follow the seagulls up to the sky.

But Mama shakes her head at him.

“You’re too young, Yurochka,” she says, and she reaches out to smooth the crease that appears between Yuri’s eyebrows. “But someday, Mama will teach you. We’ll fly together and we can show it to Papa.”

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams of flying above a forest. He dreams of his Mama and Papa all the way down on the ground, as tiny as a little kitty. They’re waving at Yuri, and Yuri waves back. 

That night, Yuri dreams of flying towards the sun. 

  
  


Yuri is five when his parents die in a house fire.

  
  


Yuri’s Grandpa lives all the way in the city. Yuri sleeps through most of the ride there, and when he wakes up, he’s on a bed he doesn’t recognize in a room he doesn’t recognize.

His room back home was always so bright and warm, even at night, but this room is cold and lonely. The corners are dark and they scare Yuri. But he has no more Mama to tell him he’s alright, and he has no more Papa to hug him and protect him from the monsters hiding in the dark.

Yuri doesn’t realize that he’s crying until Grandpa is already shushing him, until he’s already wrapped in Grandpa’s arms. 

It isn’t the same. Grandpa is bigger than Papa, and his hands are rougher. Grandpa doesn’t have wings like Mama’s and Yuri’s, so he can’t hide Yuri away behind them like Mama used to do.

But it’s still nice. Grandpa is warmer than the rest of the room, and he lets Yuri cry into his shirt. His voice is low like Papa’s and his words remind him of Mama’s.

And even though Yuri cannot sleep with his parents on either side of him like he used to when he was having a bad night, he sleeps that night with his head on Grandpa’s lap and his hand wrapped tight on Grandpa’s wrist.

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams being stuck on the ground while his Mama and Papa hover above him. He can’t see them clearly because the sun is too bright behind them, but he  _ knows _ it’s them. He can hear them calling for him, telling him to come, but he can’t. Yuri doesn’t know how to fly; his Mama hasn’t taught him yet. 

That night, Yuri dreams of being left behind.

  
  


Yuri is six when he discovers the ice.

  
  


The figure skaters on TV look like they’re flying.

They glide along the ice with their arms spread, and to Yuri’s eyes, they look like birds with their wings extended on both sides, riding on the air. They take off for their jumps— _ triple axel, quad lutz, double toe _ —and to Yuri’s eyes, they look like birds taking flight.

There’s one who Yuri can’t take his eyes off. His hair is long and grey, and he’s wearing a pale gray costume to match. There are frills along his arms and his torso that almost look like feathers when he spins, and when he jumps, he  _ soars _ .

His name is Victor Nikiforov and Yuri wants to ask him how to fly. 

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams of skating. He’s on the lake back home, and when he looks up, he sees that Victor is with him. Victor is holding his hand and pulling him around. His smile is wide and there’s gold around his neck.

“You’re doing so well, Yura,” he says, and Yuri believes him. 

That night, Yuri dreams of hope blossoming in his chest. 

  
  


Yuri is nine when he first meets the man who coaches Victor.

  
  


A lot of the other kids are scared of Yakov, but Yuri isn’t.

See, Yakov Feltsman looks like the angry dog next door who always barks at Yuri when he passes by. That same angry dog turns to putty when Yuri reaches through the gate’s bars and pets him, and Yakov is very much the same.

Yakov barks out corrections and commands, but his touch is gentle when he moves to adjust Yuri’s limbs and his eyes are warm when he tells Yuri that he did a good job. Yakov reminds Yuri of Grandpa, and that’s why there isn’t any way he could be scared of him.

Yuri was hoping to catch a glimpse of Victor at Yakov’s camp. He doesn’t, but it’s fine. Instead, he takes home the image of Yakov’s face, his lips set into a line and his eyes warm with satisfaction so,  _ so  _ close to Grandpa’s face when he tells Yuri he’s proud of his Yurochka. 

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams again of flying. The wind is strong, but he doesn’t get blown away with it. There’s a string wrapped around his ankle. When he looks down, he sees Grandpa and Victor and Yakov, and they’re the ones holding him to the earth.

That night, Yuri dreams of smiling down at them.

  
  


Yuri is eleven when he finally meets Victor Nikiforov.

  
  


Victor looks nothing like he did when Yuri first saw him. His hair is cut shorter, his shoulders wider, his legs longer. He still soars when he jumps, but now that Yuri can see him up close, he looks cold, lonely. He wraps his arms around himself and holds on like he’s hoping it’s someone else’s touch. He smiles like a lie.

He’s sitting down when Yakov first introduces Yuri to his new rinkmates, and yet it still feels like he’s looking down on Yuri.

“You’re good,” he says, after he watches Yuri skate for the first time, “but you’re still young.”

When he walks away, it feels like a slap to the face. Crystal clear dismissal that starts a spark in the pit of Yuri’s stomach.

Victor is still beautiful when he skates, but Yuri doesn’t want to fly with him anymore.

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams of Victor skating in a stadium empty except for Yuri, sitting at the very back. It’s cold and it’s dark except for the spotlight that follows Victor around the rink. Yuri doesn’t think Victor knows he’s here. He doesn’t think Victor realizes that there’s anyone watching at all.

That night, Yuri dreams of what loneliness looks like as it pours from Victor and fills up the whole room. 

  
  


Yuri is twelve when he learns his first program.

  
  


Yakov tells him not to overwork himself. Yakov tells him he shouldn’t practice his jumps yet. Yakov tells him he can’t sneak into the rink after-hours all the time.

Yuri doesn’t understand why he can’t skate every hour of every day if it’s what he wants. He doesn’t understand why Yakov won’t let him fly. So he doesn’t listen. He practices, even when Yakov is shouting at him. He skates, even when Yakov threatens to drop him as a skater.

Weill. If Yakov drops him, then Yuri will find someone else who will let him fly.

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams of flying. The sky is clear and the sun is bright as it beckons at him to  _ come, my child, come to me _ . But when he tries, he finds that he can’t. When he tries, he finds a string wrapped around his leg that pulls him back down, further and further away from the sun.

That night, Yuri dreams of falling to the ground before he can even reach the sky.

  
  


Yuri is thirteen when he wins his first gold medal.

  
  


In the last few seconds of his skate, Yuri replaces his triple with a quad. He touches down, but he gets the rotations in, and he hears the audience gasp and roar when they realize what he’s done.

But that doesn’t matter to Yuri. To Yuri, all that he can think about as he stands here with his chest heaving and sweat dripping from his skin is that he’s finally gotten to fly.

Yuri is always cold these days, but today, he’s as warm as the last time he was in his Mama’s arms.

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams of being back home. He’s in his childhood bed, tucked in tight just the way he likes. Mama is sitting beside him, telling him a story about a girl who can fly.

That night, Yuri dreams of warmth.

  
  


Yuri is fourteen when he first sees Yuuri Katsuki.

  
  


It’s easy to sneak out of a hotel room when there’s no one guarding him, and since Yakov has to look after Georgi, Yuri has absolutely no trouble at all.

Yuuri Katsuki skates first, and he takes Yuri’s breath away. His costume is plain and he falls on most of his jumps, but he skates like it’s what he was born to do. When he moves, he is smooth, effortless. He is ethereal and otherworldly. He is extending his hand to the audience and telling them  _ come and watch me, only me _ .

He makes Yuri want to skate. He makes Yuri want to  _ fly _ .

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams of the time his Mama flew for him. She hovers up in the sky, her hair blowing in the wind, her wings wide enough that she covers the sun.

“It’s beautiful up here, Yurochka,” she tells him. “Someday, you’ll see this too.”

But when Yuri blinks, Mama is gone. In her place is Yuuri Katsuki, his hand extended to Yuri.

“Come, Yuri,” he says.

But Yuri can’t.

That night, Yuri dreams of failure.

  
  


Yuri is fifteen when he’s reminded that those who fly can fall.

  
  


Yuuri Katsuki places sixth in his first Grand Prix Final event.

Maybe Yuri should have expected it considering how Katsuki is so inconsistent. Or maybe Yuri should have expected it considering how everyone he thinks could teach him to fly seem to fall flat in the end.

Somehow, though, this hurts more than the last time. Yuuri Katsuki had yet to soar, but now he’s bent and broken. Now, Yuri can’t take his hand and learn with him.

Yuri gets angry. Then again, he’s more angry than not these days.

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams of skating Yuuri Katsuki’s program.

He falls.

He gets back up.

He falls.

He gets back up.

He falls.

That night, Yuri dreams of falling so far that he can’t get back up again.

  
  


Yuri is fifteen when he learns to rely on himself.

  
  


Lilia Baranovskaya is scarier than Yakov Feltsman could ever be.

She tells him that pain is beauty, and so Yuri reaches into the deepest, darkest part of himself and pulls out everything he can use to be beautiful. She tells him that his natural talent is nothing if he doesn’t work hard, and what Yuri hears is that his wings are nothing if he can’t use them.

She tells him that he needs to throw his past self away, that he needs to be reborn, and Yuri listens.

He dances and he thinks of the sky, coming closer and closer until it almost seems like it’s within his reach. He skates and he thinks of his wings unfurling around him, of his feet lifting from the ground because of his own power.

Yuri learns to fly.

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams of his Mama.

“You had it in you all along, my Yurochka,” she tells him.

Yuri bows his head. His hand tightens around hers.

“I’m sorry it took me so long, Mama,” he says.

Mama doesn’t reply. Instead, she stands up and she walks to Yuri’s window, which is open, showing the full moon. Mama extends a hand, palm up.

That night, Yuri dreams of jumping out of his bedroom window and flying with Mama right beside him.

  
  


Yuri is fifteen when he becomes friends with Otabek Altin.

  
  


Yuri loves watching the sunset. The world glows yellow, and for a few minutes everyday, Yuri can bathe in the sun without having to fly to it.

Today, he watches the sunset with Otabek. Today, he listens to Otabek describe a boy Yuri doesn’t remember. Otabek says he has the eyes of the soldier, and it’s the first that Yuri’s ever heard it.

Everyone has always told Yuri that he’s too delicate, too angry, too lazy, too greedy. They contradict themselves. They never know what they really want from Yuri. Yuri has enough confusion and doubt in him; he doesn’t need theirs.

But Otabek—

Otabek saw Yuri’s hard work, even though he hadn't. Otabek saw Yuri’s efforts, even though he felt like they weren’t enough. Otabek wants to be Yuri’s friend, even though he thought he’d always have to be alone to fly.

When Yuri takes Otabek’s hand, it feels like a new beginning.

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams of being back in that novice ballet class.

This time, he sees Otabek. This time, he’s the one who offers a hand to Otabek when he falls.

That night, Yuri dreams of dancing in a pair.

  
  


Yuri is fifteen when he wins his first gold in the Senior division.

  
  


Grandpa is proud of him. Yakov and Lilia are proud of him. Katsudon and Victor are proud of him. Otabek is proud of him. Yuri wishes his Mama and Papa could be here, but he knows that wherever they are, they’re proud of him too.

Most of all, though, Yuri is proud of himself. He breaks Victor’s world record. He won so Katsudon wouldn’t stop skating with him. He wins gold on his Senior debut.

But there is more to overcome. Yuri has flown to the top of this mountain, but there’s more left for him to cover.

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams of standing on top of the podium. Everyone is with him, surrounding him, and Yuri has never been happier.

That night, Yuri dreams of warmth that starts in his chest and spreads to the rest of his body.

  
  


Yuri is sixteen when he shows Otabek that he can fly.

  
  


They’re in Yuri’s room in Grandpa’s apartment. It’s Otabek’s first night in, and he sits on the futon laid beside the bed while Yuri paces back and forth.

“What do you need to show me?” Otabek asks.

Yuri pauses, takes a deep breath. He hasn’t shown anyone else but Grandpa before, but Grandpa already knew he could do it, just like he knew Mama could.

Yuri doesn’t know how Otabek will react, but Otabek is his friend. His first friend, if not his only friend. Yuri wants him to know.

“Watch me,” he says.

He flies.

Otabek blinks, says, “Amazing.”

Then—

“I guess we don’t need my bike to run away from your fans now.”

Yuri tackles Otabek in a hug and pretends he isn’t smiling into Otabek’s neck.

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams that he’s back in his childhood home. Instead of seeing Mama like he usually does, though, it’s Otabek who sits on Yuri’s bed. It’s Otabek who stands up and offers a hand to Yuri.

It’s Otabek who jumps out of the window and flies with Yuri.

That night, Yuri dreams of Otabek’s rare smiles.

  
  


Yuri is seventeen when he first shares a podium with two of his favorite skaters.

  
  


Getting silver isn’t the same as getting gold, but it’s not so bad when it’s Katsudon who snatches the top spot on the podium right from under Yuri’s nose. It certainly isn’t so bad, getting a score barely two points above bronze when it’s Otabek who’s standing on Katsudon’s other side.

Yuri can see Victor standing with Yakov and Lilia. He has Yuri’s phone pressed to his ear, and Yuri can easily imagine Grandpa on the other end of the line, asking Victor to tell him what’s happening.

There’s a feeling in Yuri’s chest. It blooms and it blossoms and it makes Yuri feel like he’s flying even though his feet are still touching the ground.

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams of sitting in his burning childhood room. It’s alright, though. It’s not just Mama with him tonight, but Papa too.

“You’re doing so well, Yurochka,” Mama says.

“We’re so proud of you,” Papa says.

When they offer their hands to Yuri, he takes them.

That night, Yuri dreams of his parents letting him go, letting him fly without them.

  
  


Yuri is eighteen when Yakov retires and hands him off to Victor.

  
  


Hasetsu is far away from St. Petersburg where Mila and Georgi are. It’s far away from Moscow where Grandpa is. It’s even farther away from Almaty where Otabek is.

But Yuri is used to having to talk to Grandpa through phone calls everyday, and he’s used to talking to Otabek online.

So Yuri makes Grandpa promise to keep calling him everyday and ask how his practice is going. Yuri makes Otabek promise to keep sending him recordings of his mixtapes, and he promises to keep sending pictures of Potya to Otabek. Potya, who’s now safely in Hasetsu and all too condoning of Victor’s dog.

Victor and Katsudon—

Well. Yuri promises to keep making a fuss whenever they get too affectionate with each other in public, of course.

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams of flying across the distance between Japan and Almaty.

That night, Yuri dreams of meeting Otabek.

  
  


Yuri is nineteen when he realizes he’s in love with his best friend.

  
  


By some cruel twist of fate, they have to wait until the Grand Prix Finals to see each other again.

Yuri waits in the hotel lobby. Katsudon has to hold his leg down because he keeps bouncing it on the floor otherwise. Victor has to confiscate his phone because Yuri keeps checking it obsessively for a new message from Otabek.

But finally, Victor says, “He’s here.”

Finally, Otabek comes through the doors and Yuri sees him again after more than half a year of nothing but messages they have to sneak into their busy schedules and Snapchats that consist of less selfies than Yuri would like.

Usually, Yuri wouldn’t even consider openly giving affection in such a public place, but Otabek is  _ right there _ and he feels like he’s been waiting so long for this. So Yuri runs and he runs and he jumps into Otabek’s open arms.

“I missed you, Beka,” Yuri says.

“I missed you too, Yura,” Otabek replies.

Yura doesn’t even mind that Victor is so obviously taking a video of them.

  
  


That night, Yuri dreams of flying with a string wrapped around his ankle. It doesn’t connect him to someone on the ground like it did before. Instead, it connects him to Otabek, who’s flying right beside him.

That night, Yuri dreams of finally finding someone he wants to stay by his side.

  
  


Yuri is twenty when he first kisses his Beka.

  
  


They’re in Almaty. Yuri is staying at Otabek’s while Victor and Katsudon are away on their honeymoon.

Otabek’s sister is in the next room, and his mother is in the room across theirs, but somehow, those details disappear from Yuri’s mind when he and Otabek are staring at each other under the dim light of Otabek’s bedside lamp.

“Yura,” Otabek says. “Will you kiss me or not?”

Well.

Yuri kisses him, of course.

  
  


That night, Yuri takes Otabek flying. They stay up until sunrise.


End file.
